ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.