ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
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I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”