@Brampersandon_

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

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@mrtiredeyes

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

@iamspacegirl

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

@LosLos__

I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.

@Rollmaninoz

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

@Darlainky

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.