ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

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The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.


I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.


*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?


This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.


{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”


Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…


[public execution]

Townsperson: these are always so morbid

Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*


This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.


7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.


*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!