Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!