You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.

@notacroc

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

@TheToddWilliams

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

@Divergentmama

Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice

@HatfieldAnne

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

@CherBear162

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

@nachdermas

my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter

@tangledteatime

Me: Am I your only friend?

Imaginary friend: Sure are!

Imaginary friend’s imaginary friend: Wow, I’m right here.