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@bobsaget

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

@Sickayduh

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

@pleatedjeans

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

@C_Effin_Rex

Helping 21 with her finances.

21: How’s my credit?

Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.

@o__0Dev

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

@Notoliviasteel

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

@ArfMeasures

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

@ArfMeasures

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

@carlyken

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

@thcmoonmvn

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.