@bobsaget
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
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@bobsaget
@Sickayduh
I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken
@pleatedjeans
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
@C_Effin_Rex
Helping 21 with her finances.
21: How’s my credit?
Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.
@o__0Dev
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
@Notoliviasteel
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
@ArfMeasures
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
@ArfMeasures
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
@carlyken
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
@thcmoonmvn
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.