@Reverend_Scott

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

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@Michael_Erhart

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

@samalmightysam

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

@LegoGodzilla

[first date]

GIRL: When you said “fitness freak” in your profile, this isn’t what I expected

HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo

@amydillon

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

@darkmatter_wimp

Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this:

There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

@BoogTweets

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

@jackmackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

@trojansauce

origin stories:

spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe