Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
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“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
GIRL: When you said “fitness freak” in your profile, this isn’t what I expected
HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this:
There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
spiderman: bitten by spider
green hornet: bitten by green hornet
gambit: bitten by a gam
magneto: bitten by magnetic toe