Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
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My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos