@BuckyIsotope

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

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@mommajessiec

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

@LackOfShame

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

@AthenaMystique

How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.

@poizngrl

The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room

@maisondecris

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

@KH0wes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

@BigJDubz

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job