ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

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My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.


Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.


How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.


The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room


HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂


Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead


[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job