My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?
HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Found in the archives…
I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it
Apparently, she left me a few days ago