Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.