@ArfMeasures

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

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@3sunzzz

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@grillyjoel

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

@heidi420x

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

@ThatThunderMan

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

@briangaar

Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?

@urmumsausername

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

@1InTheStinker

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it
Apparently, she left me a few days ago