ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore