ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.