Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*

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DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it


Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.


PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…


All these people training for marathons and I’m over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.


I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.


“Sorry, I have to take this call.”

“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”

*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


Welcome to your 40’s. You now have very strong opinions about mattresses.