my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My first child will be named New Folder.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”