Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
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[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The three genders.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario