Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
my mom making me talk to relatives
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year