Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
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driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.