Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word


If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I


ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me


Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.


Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It’s weird

“You can secretly watch Netflix at work”

Oh, please take literally all of my money.


me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip


idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page


If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”


The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry