The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
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If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It’s weird
“You can secretly watch Netflix at work”
Oh, please take literally all of my money.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry