@PhilJamesson
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
@Book_Krazy
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
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@PhilJamesson
@shadonium
If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I
@NamestartswithZ
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
@sir_shithead_I
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
@shutupmikeginn
Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It’s weird
“You can secretly watch Netflix at work”
Oh, please take literally all of my money.
@pintubaba_
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
@pilau
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
@chuchugoogoo
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
@2tickytacky
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
@TheBoydP
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry