Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.