Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
and now we wait
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Always 🥴
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time