Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower