Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.