@mommajessiec

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

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@karanbirtinna

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

@Cheeseboy22

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?

@djdarrellripley

Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.

@mommajessiec

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

@nagunnatelya

Husband: Have you lost weight?

Me: About 10 lbs

H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink

M: You don’t know him. He’s on Twitter…

@iamspacegirl

The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.

@dave_cactus

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

@threetimedaddy

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?