@mommajessiec

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

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@KeetPotato

[jim henson reveals kermit the frog for 1st time]
me:
jim:
me:
jim:
me:
jim: “what do you think?”
me: “i mean have you ever seen a frog?”

@click4amanda

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

@TheBoydP

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

@atstephenbell

bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article

@Girl15Gone

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@HenpeckedHal

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

@XGroverX

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.