Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
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All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”