Sorry I yelled *FOOD FIGHT* in the buffet line.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
You Might Also Like
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?
last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!