ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Flowers bee like
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.