ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*

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My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?


last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”


All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”


Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!


Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending


T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?


[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO


[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog


When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!