Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
#Caturday
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂