ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Rather alarming headline…
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
oh my gosh!!
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.