@sixfootcandy

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

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@Brianhopecomedy

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

@QwertyJones3

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

@KalvinMacleod

KIM JONG-UN: I’m banning sarcasm

ME: well that’s just great

K: what?

M: I reeeally hate sarcasm

K: seize him…I think

@EBenita0517

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

@MikeMcNeil_

wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”

me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.

@Jarhead44

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

@shutupmikeginn

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking