me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.