me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
The struggle is real.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Pizza is an emotion right?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.