Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

mechanics be like

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Don’t tell me what to do

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

nyc:

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Lmaoo 😂

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.