@ThisLocalHater

Me: We’re floating through space on a giant rock and the rock is dying. I mean, does anything really matter?
Cashier: Okay but your card was still declined.

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@TheBigBatman

Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large

@bholejuice

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

@david8hughes

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

@3_livi

Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..

@Reverend_Scott

If I were a superhero, I’d be Pizza Man.

My one-liners would be cheesy, and I’d save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.

@envydatropic

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.