Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN