Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
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Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.