@HenpeckedHal

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

You Might Also Like

@The_JRM

Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

@mydmac

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

@Rachelnoise

My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

@KristinGnr

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

@AntozWolf

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

@DrakeGatsby

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

@OakHill_

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

@surrealvehicle

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.