ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT