Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

You can’t rush stupid.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”