ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
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Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it