ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no


Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.


Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*


ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch


[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…


Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.


Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep


FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it