Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.