Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
*goes to bed
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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[breaks into your house]
[steals your shoes]
[walks a mile in them]
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
teacher: why did richard nixon resign
me: uh i dont know. dam
me: that’s what i said
Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together