Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s


Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

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Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed


[breaks into your house]

[steals your shoes]

[walks a mile in them]

[judges you]


[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.


teacher: why did richard nixon resign

me: uh i dont know. dam

teacher: watergate

me: that’s what i said


Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online


why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?


The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.


Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…


Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together