@prufrockluvsong

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

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@WorkingMom86

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

@thatUPSdude

[breaks into your house]

[steals your shoes]

[walks a mile in them]

[judges you]

@notalogin

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

@leakypod

teacher: why did richard nixon resign

me: uh i dont know. dam

teacher: watergate

me: that’s what i said

@daplusk

Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online

@markydoodoo

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

@moooooog35

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

@SPAC3CRAF

Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…

@steeve_again

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together