Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?