Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I created you as mosquito food.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Ion see the issue
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily