Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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A friend sent me this.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.