Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.


Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars


Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers


Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch


My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.


ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?


I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.