Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.