@steveolivas

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

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@TheRealNickKay

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

@amydillon

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

@CruisinSoozan

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

@TweetsByKaylee

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@Lisabug74

My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.