Drugs are bad…when they wear off.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called
Thai Me Up.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.