Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

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Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.


There are days that god should just reach down and snatch my phone out of my hands for the good of everyone.


wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”


If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.


THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree


Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk


A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.


ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.


*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.


When you look at Twitter’s trending topics, it’s a lot easier to understand why they have to write “Do Not Eat” on silica gel packets.