me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
mentally somewhere in italy
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?