I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: I go into the stall for that
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
rudolph: sing the song keith
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I’m selling my air guitar. The case is not included.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or