@AnnietheNanny1

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

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@jwoodham

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

@Darlainky

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

@DaHess1

Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.

@pleatedjeans

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

@MelvinofYork

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.

Boss: But..

Me: Shhhhhhh…..

@dshack8

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.