Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”


A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.


You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?


[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that


me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
rudolph: sing the song keith


Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front


Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or