Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.