Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
scared to check what name she chose
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.