[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
twitter is a journey
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.