ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]


Wifey is pregnant again. She wants a girl but I want a black guy so I have someone to play basketball with.


my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me


{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.


[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money


I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.


I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.


When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset


The barista was telling everyone in front of me to “have a nice day” but when it was my turn she just handed me my change so I did the only sensible thing I could do and got back in line.


Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.