ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
You Might Also Like
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.