Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
More like Kate Missington.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together