Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
You Might Also Like
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.