me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.