me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

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Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly


Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.


Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls


Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?


You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.


Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.


Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!


ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do


Top Five Creepy Things:

5) Dark and stormy nights
4) Spiders
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake


Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.