@PaperWash

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

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@crocodilethumbs

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

@Discourt

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

@Smooheed

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?

@stacieooooo

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

@Gooooats

Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@iMikosnyc

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

@TheDailySchmuck

Top Five Creepy Things:

5) Dark and stormy nights
4) Spiders
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake

@ewws13

Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.