Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?