@NewDadNotes

Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.

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@ericsshadow

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

@danjan13

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@Cyd10e

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

@nbadag

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

@squirrel74wkgn

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

@nimble__nick

*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

@Kyle_Lippert

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting