“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Me: what are you doing?
Daughter: playing with Michael.
Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.
Daughter: I know.
Me: how did you know?
Daughter: Michael told me.
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around
[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting