[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
You Might Also Like
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…