@geowizzacist

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

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@MartaEffing

Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.

@KissabiX

[Me, drunk at 18]
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS
BEE
AY
EN
AY
EN
AY
ESS!

[Me, drunk now]
I SLEEP IN PAJAMAS
PEE
AY
JAY
AY
EM
AY
ESS

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

@SteveKoehler22

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

@DanaJGould

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

@TheNYAMProject

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

@vxlk

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

@WheelTod

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar