detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Beer keg at party
-there are better ways to drink beer
The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:
“Let me see your phone”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.