@geowizzacist

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

You Might Also Like

@SamGrittner

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

@skedaddle74

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

@schumoo

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

@WillociRaptor

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

@Molly_Kats

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@tchrquotes

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.