Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.