Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

You Might Also Like


detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em


FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg


I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.


What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?


UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes


Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd


Beer keg at party
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party


If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”


As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:

“Let me see your phone”


[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.