You have 3 meals a day?
Are you a millionaire or an inmate?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.