@geowizzacist

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

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@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

@Brampersandon_

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

@heroinsdemise

I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

@MrJeberling

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

@fro_vo

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

@Amburglar_

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

@InternetHippo

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

@FunnyBison

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

@evanrhorne

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:

“Let me see your phone”

@Skoogeth

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.